At the end of each day when I sit to write the blog, I usually find the most positive things that happened and publish the cutest pictures. I am really struggling today to put aside all the negative emotions and write something. It isn’t like the day was entirely bad. I did ten loads of laundry. Bill fixed the broken drawers on Trevor’s dresser, I got a cool new toy in the mail (more on that later). Trevor is getting better at walking. I worked on some other projects I have been wanting to do while Trevor slept and Brendan was in his nurse’s care. There are always good things.
There are always cute pictures.
Trevor is learning about noses and ears. I laugh when I ask him to find his belly button and he lifts up his shirt and works real hard to be able to see it over his round little tummy.
But then there is Brendan’s withdrawal. He is having such a hard time. I have a mixture of anger, frustration, fear, guilt, sadness, and worry about this process. The more I read and learn about benzodiazepene withdrawal, the worse I feel. He could have symptoms for weeks, months, or even years. There is no way to know how this drug may affect the rest of his life, his development, his future emotional state.
Chemical dependency just plain SUCKS. I can’t beat myself up about the ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves’ but I will always wonder if I couldn’t have done better for Brendan and protected him from this suffering now.
He is restless, jumpy, sad, scared, sweaty. He struggles to get sleep, he is so tired. He spent the day just in a daze. We tried to give him some Benadryl to help him sleep and I think that just made it worse.
He just was wide-eyed, exhausted, and extra sensitive.
Even some of his favorite things would make him cry.
By late this afternoon, he had a short time where he relaxed a bit and played and smiled. But even his smiles had a little bit of “crazy eyes”.
It does not feel good to doubt yourself and the decisions you are making. I question the timing of all this and wonder if we shouldn’t have tapered more slowly or waited longer so that this did not coincide with other highly emotional events.
Like we have always done, we move ahead one day at a time and try to make the best of every day.
You most definitely can’t beat yourself up in any way about what you have or have not done in your decisions for Brendan. You have ALWAYS put Brendan’s well-being first and foremost above everything else. You made those decisions based on what you were told and directed to do by medical professionals. Hindsight is always perfectly clear as to what we could have or should have done.
One thing we know for sure, Brendan is a fighter, he has shown great resilience and determination in his journey to get well. He will be fine. You are almost there with the latest step of the weaning. It is hard to see him feeling bad. There is never a better time, or a better way to go through what must be done.
You and Bill have been the best parents that Brendan and Trevor could have asked for. You show them such love and devotion, and are relentless in your desire and hard work to give them the best lives possible. You can’t do more than that. Please don’t ever doubt yourself. You are tired, you are emotionally strung out from recent difficult events. Being overwhelmed makes you question your decisions, but it is so obvious that you are doing the very best you are able to do…the boys know it, I know it, and everyone who knows you, knows it.
There will be bad days. But as you have said, there is always something cute, something silly, or some accomplishment to report.
Keep up doing what you’re doing, and never ever doubt that the love you have for those babies has, and will continue, to see you through the rough spots. And, all the love and support that all the rest of us have for you and Bill and Brendan and Trevor, I hope and pray will help. I love you all very much. I am in awe of what a great job you are doing.
You were, are, and always be my baby, too! I’m sending t
Darn that send button!
I am sending you extra love, hugs, and positive thoughts tonight.
Tomorrow is a new and hopefully better day. 🙂 🙂
Love,
Gramma XXXXXX
I read the blog and signed on to give you some words of comfort as well but after reading your mother’s words to you –well–she said it all very sincerely ad with much love and understanding of your worries the past 14 or so months.
It is just a little body working hard to wean off of all the drugs he needed to make it this far. He will be fine – look how far he has come and with smiles all the way. He is amazing.
Trevor is so cute with the expressions! Please call lme if I can help! but above all give yourself time it has been a difficult week.
Good Morning from the East Coast!! Of course, this is the morning that I am running late on my AM schedule….but something told me to check in on your blog!! Now I know why!! I will absolutely ditto what Mom has so eloquently posted to you!! Each and every step of Brendan’s journey has required assistance to achieve and move on to the next step. This med he is suffering from now, was sooo necessary at the time it was given. His suffereing would have been paramount then, had it not been utilized, hence, there is no hindsight! Put those fears aside and recognize that your family has been through, yet, another really tough time and it leaves all of you vulnerable. Brendan’s body will adjust. He has such a delightful brother to distract him and the most loving parents ever!!!! Hang in there and know that it is OK to feel crappy…you all are doing an amazing job guiding those two beautiful children on their journeys! Prayers, zillion hugs and lots of love!!
I whole-heartedly agree with everything Cindy said…NEVER second guess yourself because you will never win. You are doing a fantastic job with a very hard to deal with situation and from the “inside” you do not see what we see from “outside”—you are raising two fantastic boys with a loving family and friends who love to share every day experiences with you. Yes, there are hard times to deal with but just take one tiny step at a time; just like Brendan and look how far he has come!! Sending lots of peaceful thoughts and calming blue skies.
Brendan,
It will be some years before you will be able to read this blog, and know all that has happened to you since you first came into this world.
The drug, that you are struggling to “get off of”, may still have some effect on you even as you read this. At the time, it was necessary, and I am sure that the Doctor who prescribed it, knew that the consequences of not using it far outweighed the consequences of using it. Survival can sometimes be a very hard journey.
Choices were made so you would have a chance at life. Loving, caring, sometimes heartbreaking choices because you are so important to all of us, and so loved. Choices, were made by loving parents to whom you meant, everything. You, my Grandson, are blessed to have the parents you have.
My prayer, now, for you and “Bro” Trevor, is that the day will come when you can be the ones giving “Grandfatherly advice”.
Tiffanie, Bill, sometimes the greatest courage isn’t in making the choice. It’s in living with the consequences knowing there really was no other good choice to make.
Love, Hope,and Prayers
Hi Tiffanie, so sorry for what you are going through It is never easy being a mom and having to make some really difficult decisions and then always questioning your decision. You and Bill have been faced with more of those types of decisions then most parents. I will continue to pray for you and Bill. For WISDOM, rest, strength, and for any doubt to be replaced with confidence. God will give you everything you need to take care of him. Thanks for sharing your lives with all of us and for letting us see your babies grow up. Your are awesome parents, keep up the great work!
Parenting is ALL about second guessing. We moms always wonder if one decision would have been better than the one we made, and wish we could have spared our kids some suffering. You are making the best decisions you can each moment, and Trevor & Brendan have thrived because of it! It is heart breaking to watch your baby suffer the withdrawal. The important thing is that he is withdrawing – he will not be dependent on those chemicals for much longer! The hard part is realizing and believing that nobody is judging you. Nobody is thinking you are doing a bad job. Think of this as Brendan’s first big illness. All you can do is kiss and hug him and try to make him feel better. It will run its course. We believe in you!