At the end of each day when I sit to write the blog, I usually find the most positive things that happened and publish the cutest pictures. I am really struggling today to put aside all the negative emotions and write something. It isn’t like the day was entirely bad. I did ten loads of laundry. Bill fixed the broken drawers on Trevor’s dresser, I got a cool new toy in the mail (more on that later). Trevor is getting better at walking. I worked on some other projects I have been wanting to do while Trevor slept and Brendan was in his nurse’s care. There are always good things.
There are always cute pictures.
Trevor is learning about noses and ears. I laugh when I ask him to find his belly button and he lifts up his shirt and works real hard to be able to see it over his round little tummy.
But then there is Brendan’s withdrawal. He is having such a hard time. I have a mixture of anger, frustration, fear, guilt, sadness, and worry about this process. The more I read and learn about benzodiazepene withdrawal, the worse I feel. He could have symptoms for weeks, months, or even years. There is no way to know how this drug may affect the rest of his life, his development, his future emotional state.
Chemical dependency just plain SUCKS. I can’t beat myself up about the ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves’ but I will always wonder if I couldn’t have done better for Brendan and protected him from this suffering now.
He is restless, jumpy, sad, scared, sweaty. He struggles to get sleep, he is so tired. He spent the day just in a daze. We tried to give him some Benadryl to help him sleep and I think that just made it worse.
He just was wide-eyed, exhausted, and extra sensitive.
Even some of his favorite things would make him cry.
By late this afternoon, he had a short time where he relaxed a bit and played and smiled. But even his smiles had a little bit of “crazy eyes”.
It does not feel good to doubt yourself and the decisions you are making. I question the timing of all this and wonder if we shouldn’t have tapered more slowly or waited longer so that this did not coincide with other highly emotional events.
Like we have always done, we move ahead one day at a time and try to make the best of every day.